This is being written from a man’s perspective, but the principles will work for women too. I didn’t pull this out of some psychology textbook or Communication 101 lecture. This information is purely from my personal experience and observation, with some common sense thrown in. However, I’m not the first to come up with most of this; these are time-tested principles. And the good news is, anyone can do it. So without wasting any time, let’s jump in.
Focus on Yourself First
Yes I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth. This may be common sense to many of you, since you most likely read this site to learn and improve your life, but many guys just don’t get it. Too many guys try to learn how to “pickup” or manipulate girls into sleeping with them, because they honestly think that’s how it has to be done.
Who wants to be the loser who has to trick a girl into sleeping with them?
The only time it’s ok to be a loser is when you’re actively improving yourself. Just to be clear, when I say “loser” I’m not talking about a person’s looks, hobbies or preferences. I am referring to those who have absolutely no ambition to accomplish anything in life and are ok with just being average or below-average. I’m talking about those who have given up on themselves and aren’t willing to work for what they want in life.
Self-improvement is not supposed to be depressing or make you feel inadequate. It should be the exact opposite experience actually. The fact that you respect yourself enough to hold yourself to a higher standard is a great quality. Remember, this article isn’t about attracting an average girl, it’s about attracting your dream woman. There are plenty of shitty websites around to help you figure out the best pickup lines to trick some drunk girl at the bar into regretfully sleeping with you. We’re playing the long-game here, just hear me out.
At this point in your quest, you might’ve dated some girls or maybe girls completely ignore you altogether. That’s ok, you’re not alone. Things can only get better, and they will!
Be The Man Your Dream Woman Would Want
So you want a woman who is intelligent, beautiful, sweet, funny, etc – but what do you bring to the table? When you see a woman who is in incredible shape, do you think she was born that way? No, she has to bust her ass in the gym and watch what she eats just like the rest of us. Do you think she’s putting in all that effort to date a fat slob?
When you see an intelligent woman who kicks ass in her career or educational pursuits, do you think she invests all that time and energy hoping to one day spend countless hours conversing with some dumbass she calls her boyfriend? No.
I’m not saying you should completely change yourself for someone else. I’m just saying that there needs to be a fair exchange in a relationship. Don’t expect to attract a high quality woman if you aren’t a high quality man.
The first thing you need to do, if you already aren’t, is get healthy and fit. Although I think the vast majority of people would benefit the most from resistance training, it doesn’t really matter what form of exercise you choose. Humans need exercise. Healthy people aren’t just more attractive because they have less fat, although that is a benefit. Healthy people have more energy, they are less stressed and they are just overall more productive members of society. You can’t have a healthy mind without a healthy body, they are too interconnected.
Once you become more active and healthy you’ll notice that your mind is much clearer than before. That’s good, because that’s what you want to work on next. Now that you’re body is performing better it’s time to see what more you can do with your mind. Start reading more. I prefer non-fiction, because I like to learn, but there’s nothing wrong with fiction. Fiction books open your mind and inspire creativity.
Start looking at what mental barriers are holding you back and get rid of some bad habits while you’re at it. Your mind is the key to unlocking everything you could ever want in life. Women, especially, are more interested in a man’s mind than his looks. Looks are temporary, but knowledge improves over time if you allow it.
Women respect men who live with purpose. They say knowledge is power, but I say it’s what you do with that knowledge that gives you power. Figure out what you enjoy and get really good at it. Whether that means picking a hobby back up, starting a business, volunteering, it doesn’t matter what it is as long as you enjoy it. Doing what you love, regardless of whether you get paid for it, gives your life meaning and purpose.
None of this is going to happen overnight and it isn’t supposed to. We are always a work in progress. The more time you spend working on yourself, the less time you have worrying about finding “the one” or being lonely.
If you’ve followed these steps so far, the desperation in your eyes is gone and your confidence is rising. You’ve improved yourself and girls have started to take notice. However, these aren’t the girls you want. These are the 7-8’s of the world and you’re looking for a dime. This is very important – DO NOT SETTLE HERE!
Good men are hard to come by these days, so girls will be looking to tie you down while they can. You’ll be shocked at the moves girls try, but resist the temptation. You’ve conquered this level, but it’s time to step up to the big league.
Forget About the Idea of Perfection
The big mistakes we make when trying to improve our lives is thinking that we are perfect and expecting others to be perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist and it never has. You need to fully grasp this before moving on. No woman will be perfect, just like you will never be perfect. There’s a big difference between having high standards and expecting perfection. If you think you’re perfect, I promise you the world is waiting patiently to viciously prove you wrong.
Have Unapologetically High Standards
When I say unapologetically I mean you should literally not apologize for having high standards. Again, perfection doesn’t exist, so have high standards that are realistic. These standards are completely up to you and it’s ok if they change over time, that’s part of the learning process.
This doesn’t mean that you should only date someone who makes x amount of dollars or wears x size clothing. Think bigger than that.
These standards should reflect the quality of person you want to date or even marry. For those who are just looking to have fun, studies have shown (and I can confirm this) that smarter women are better in bed. We are influenced by the people we interact with most, which is why those people should be high quality individuals.
You should expect (and give in return) a certain level of respect from a woman you date. I know people think it’s normal to fight with their significant other all the time, but I don’t. Of course you’re going to have disagreements, but all the excess drama isn’t necessary at all.
These are YOUR standards and you have no reason to feel guilty for them, as long as you are giving just as much as you intend to receive. Remember, nothing in life is free – but that’s ok because only losers want free handouts without giving anything in return.
The great thing about having high standards is that the women who meet these standards often have high standards of their own. This keeps you accountable and keeps you from becoming complacent. There is a fine balance, though, because accountability often turns into nagging and criticism. Two people in a relationship should motivate and challenge each other without demeaning or discouraging the other person. Plus, nagging is just fucking annoying!
At this point in your quest for your dream woman you have made some great progress. You have invested in yourself so women see you as a worthy mate. You have narrowed your scope to a smaller subset of high caliber women. By now you should be talking to or dating women that you once felt were out of your league, but your work isn’t over yet.
Brutal Honesty (The Filtering System)
This is the hard part. This one technique alone is what I feel has made the biggest difference in my experience with women and it’s something that I don’t see anyone else in my circle of influence doing. This won’t work if you don’t truly believe in yourself, which is why I don’t suggest doing it until you’ve got some experience communicating with women under your belt.
Dating, like job interviews, is mostly bullshit. In a job interview you are expected to put on your best outfit, convince them of what an amazing candidate you are while leaving out all of your bad qualities and then they ask you the same old stupid questions and judge you on how well you answer them. The worst is when these idiots ask trick questions to try to psychoanalyze you because they think that makes them creative.
Same goes with first dates. Both people dress a little nicer than usual, behave just a little better and hide their bad qualities because they think that will scare the other person off. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you can’t fully be yourself? If you think that someone would break up with you at a later point if they knew the “real you” then why would you waste your time dating them in the first place? How long do you plan on keeping the act up?
I prefer to lay it all on the line right from the beginning so there’s no confusion. I just tell her straight up – this is how I am, this is what you can expect of me and this is what I’m looking for and expect. I don’t drag things out. I tell her right away if I’m not looking for a relationship out of this arrangement or if I’m looking for a long-term relationship or whatever. So now a woman can’t tell me down the line that she thought I wanted something different, because I made my intentions very clear from the beginning.
This will scare away nearly all the women who’s goals don’t align with yours. That’s a good thing. Women have told me how much they appreciate this no bullshit approach and how refreshing it was. The thing is, we would all prefer to drop the act, but no one wants to be the first to do it. A foundation of honesty builds strong communication, which is the key to any successful relationship.
The weak-minded are too afraid to take what they want and simply hope things will work themselves out. They don’t.
Open Yourself Up
There’s just one last thing I feel gets overlooked. You need to be approachable. The whole go-getter/ no-bullshit attitude can be intimidating to some women. The point of being brutally honest is to make yourself vulnerable, not to be confrontational. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
Dating is supposed to be fun. Allow yourself to be in the moment and don’t overthink everything. Women want to feel safe with you, emotionally. Just relax, make eye contact and actually LISTEN to what they’re saying without thinking about what you’re going to say next.
I’m very introverted by nature, so I am naturally a good listener. I know I said the brutal honesty thing made the biggest difference for me, but for most guys learning to listen to women will bring you the most success. The best way to communicate with a woman you’ve just met is to listen to her, engage in real conversation and play everything by ear. You’ll be surprised how far that will get you.
If you’ve put all of this into practice then you’ve probably noticed a shift in your mindset. You no longer approach women hoping they’ll like you. You are looking for a fair exchange. You now approach women to see if you like them AND if they like you. With this mindset, being turned down is never a bad thing because you know that not all women will be attracted to you just like you aren’t attracted to every single woman. Your self-worth doesn’t depend on someone else’s approval. You are now free to date the best women this world has to offer.
If you could actually have any woman you wanted, why would you settle for less? Well, you can. It’s all about perspective and not being so desperate that you’ll settle for any woman who bats an eye at you. Also, you have to be willing to hold up your end of the deal. Winners want to date winners. Your life is in your hands and it is your sole responsibility to direct its course.
Let me know in the comments what mental barriers you struggle with or that you’ve overcome.
Until Next Time,
What do you think? Do you agree, disagree or have any thoughts to add? Let me know in the comments below.
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